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“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today started off to be wonderful.

Thomas typically works on Sundays; therefore, any Sunday he attends church with Zek and I is cherished. I marked on my calendar a few weeks ago that today was grandparents day. I always have some elaborate, Pinterest crafted idea planned out in my head, but fail to complete it. This year was no different.

These last weeks and months have been plain exhausting, defeating, burdened, and the list goes on. Brother Amspaugh acknowledged all grandparents in our service this morning. He acknowledged those who had grandchildren present and those who only had pictures. Mom and Dad went up front to be acknowledged and I turned to Angelia and said, “They should have five grandchildren with them.”

My parents have ten grandchildren all together.

My brother and his wife attended a different church than us when they were raising their children. So my statement in saying that there should be five grandchildren up there was directed towards Carter and Isaiah. My parents have seven living grandchildren. Do you know how hard and heart wrenching that is to type?

Two days before we found out Isaiah no longer had a heartbeat we ran into a woman mom used to work with. We ate at Chick-Fil-A that day. The place was hectic and I was in a rather foul mood. The line inside was getting longer by the minute and we had stopped to talk to this lady. The lady made a comment about Zek and mom proceeded to tell her he was her youngest grandson, but that we would soon be welcoming her tenth grand baby into the world in a few short weeks. I always feel gloom when we have to explain that two of moms grandchildren went to Heaven earlier than expected. I had no idea that in three short days we would hear the news that our baby’s heartbeat was no longer there.

Why did I not see this coming?

Why didn’t I act faster when I noticed delayed movement? Why? The burning question that remains. While on this Earth we will never know why. I’ve made the statement that when I get to Heaven I’ll ask God why, but I’m sure I won’t. I pray to be greeted by my baby who went on before I had the chance to love on him physically. He was loved beyond measure before conception. All he ever knew was love. This last week has been hard. If I’m being honest the last two weeks have been really hard. They’ve all been hard, but I’ve shed so so many tears in the last few days. Related: Finding Peace in the Midst of a Raging Storm.

I’ve been lost.

I’ve wondered why this had to happen to Thomas and I. Why were we chosen to face the burial of our second son? Again, Why? The “why” appears multiple times a day. On Thursday and Friday I just started praying. My prayer was for God to please allow Isaiah to show me a sign. A sign that he is okay. A sign that he IS with me. I know he is always with me but being a mother and having that instinct, I need tangible evidence. Was I asking to much of God? Should I not pray for things of this nature? Related: The Pain of Bereaved Mothers.

Mom, Dad, Malachi, Addison, and Ezekiel. After grandparents were recognized, it was time for a few other things that happen during our church service. One of those was the signing of hymns. Our church still sings hymns that were composed centuries ago, inspired by bible verses. The first hymn that we sang had a verse from Isaiah. “Til the Storm Passes By.” If you’re of the Christian faith, then you have likely heard this hymn. I have sang it my whole life. My mom has hummed it many times while getting ready of a morning. I pointed out the verse to mom and knew that she appreciated the song even more at that moment.

Church was dismissed.

I was satisfied from the sermon and my faith had been refueled. I stood under the carport with Thomas, Zek, Angelia, Myndi, and the kids. Dad went on to the car. I get to the car and mom and dad were sitting, just waiting on us. Mom asks, “Do you see what Dad found?” I replied, “No.” “He found a pure white feather. It was on the back of his seat.” Feathers are said to appear when angels are near. In the last month I’ve found a few feathers. They have been outside and although I did keep them in hopes that it was a visit from Isaiah, I still had doubt. It’s normal to crave a logical explanation for something happening. Today was different. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this feather was from Isaiah. Mom drove to church today. There was no feather on the seat. She looks out for them and would have noticed it. There was no one in the car while we were in church, and dad was the first to the car after church. This feather also looks vastly different than any of the others I have found. It is intricately created.

I kept the feather. It will go in the little box I have designated for feathers that I find. Thank you Jesus for sending or allowing Isaiah to send me a sign. I have such a peace within my heart. Isaiah was so precious, so pure, and so loved. We waited months to hold him, to see who he favored, and to smell his newborn scent. He was created so perfectly. He was created in his fathers image. God has Isaiah in his safe keeping now. He was never touched by this cruel and evil earth. My prayers have been answered. I have been given a sign from the father and from my forever newborn. I will continue to pray. I will continue to share my feelings with you all. While this doesn’t feel good, I know God will use this tragedy and heartbreak for his good.

Written by Meredith Montgomery.

Read more about Meredith and her son Isaiah.