Steps to Know What Battle to Pick: Character Issues

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We have all been there. Staring down the barrel of a Texas-sized tantrum.

You have a few seconds to decide, should I pick up this battle with my child? Is this a hill I want to die on? Or do I let it go and let my child do their own thing? How do you know which battle is necessary to pick up and which battle could be left alone?

“Pick your battles.” We have all heard this phrase a time or two. But what battles are worth picking up? Over there years I have learned to decipher which battles are worth choosing and which ones are better left alone.

Ask yourself “is this battle a moral issue?”

Sometimes battles pop up where you must decide if this is something your child needs to learn about character. For example, stealing. If my son was caught trying to steal a candy bar from the grocery store would I let him get away with it? No! Why? Because that will not teach him anything about character development and what God thinks of theft.

Sure it would be easier to turn a blind eye and say “well he’s only 5.” But doing so will reinforce to my son that stealing is okay if you don’t get caught.

I was once told a wonderful way to assess whether the behavior of your child needs addressing or not.

When our children are little, the things they do, even the wrong things they do, can be cute. When your child is doing something add 10 years to their current age and then ask yourself “will this still be cute, funny, or acceptable when my child is 15?” If the answer is no, then the behavior needs to be addressed.

This helps me gauge whether their behavior is a character issue or not. Sometimes battles aren’t worth it and you shouldn’t choose every battle that comes your way, but some battles are necessary. “Will this hurt someone, will this damage my child’s character? Will this make our home miserable?”

If the answer to any of those questions is yes… pick up the battle.

How can I tell if a battle is a character or moral issue?

One way to determine if a battle is a character or moral issue, is to ask yourself “Is this something that God cares about?”

When it comes to our children’s character, we want them to have Godly characteristics.

If my child is doing something that will eventually hurt themselves or hurt someone else in the long run or even short run, then their behavior needs to be worked on.

For example, lying. Lying is a terrible habit to get into and can hurt relationships in the future. So lying would be considered a character issue.

“Add ten years to the behavior.”

How would I feel about my 16-year-old son lying to me or his father? This act may seem innocent now but if left unaddressed habits will stick. We need to put the hard work in now as parents to teach our children how to treat other people and treat ourselves.

What is not a moral or character issue?

If my daughter goes outside in the cold with no coat on, is this a moral or character issue?

No.

Can you pick up this battle? Absolutely. Would it be worth it? That would depend on what you think is worth it.

One time I allowed my daughter to dye her hair blue. It was temporary. She wanted to do it because she thought that Evie from Descendants was the coolest person around. She was six.

I had a few people tell me they couldn’t believe I would allow it. But why not? She wasn’t hurting anyone. Hair can be changed back. Plus it was her hair, not mine. I could have spent countless hours debating with her. Or I could let her do it.

She did it. It turned her hair green for weeks and she decided she’s never doing it again.

When addressing battles with our children, we need to remember that they are not adults, they are still learning.

How we choose battles with our children can either make or break them.

We need to lean on God’s guidance and wisdom when it comes to battles, asking Him what He wants us to teach our children through the battles that come up in our motherhood.

You may think you need to pick up every battle that comes your way but you really do not need to. Your child is their own person. Your energy is better spent loving them and getting to know their personalities, not trying to shape them into someone you want them to be.

The battles you choose to pick will be different from mine.

What battles have you chosen not to pick in the past? What battles did your child’s friends’ parents fight that you chose not to take on with your own children? Let us know! We love hearing about other people’s parenting styles and what works for them!

What you should do next:

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Be sure to read my top posts on parenting:

• Why Consistent Parenting Matters
• 12 Habits of Immensely Peaceful Moms
• 63 Mom Hacks That are Pure Genius
• Connect With Your Child and Build Up Their Heart

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