Four Truths I have Learned Since My Son Died

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Four Truths I Have Learned Since My Son Died

When David died I was catapulted into a world I did not know existed. Before I was prepared I was forced through an open door, along with my husband and family members. In the last seven years I have learned many truths about life and living after child loss.

1. Not everyone you love will choose to be in your life after your child dies.

 After I lost David, I had a few friends drop out of my life. My grief and pain was too much for them to handle. Heartache and death made them uncomfortable. They were more content staying in their bubble where the death of a child does not exist then to choose to join me when I was pushed through the open door of child loss.

I would be lying if I said this didn’t hurt. You may be there too. Maybe someone you loved, someone who swore to always be there, dropped out of your life the minute your child died. Maybe you were like me and pretended not to notice.

If someone you love has chosen to leave you in your grief, remind yourself of those who have been there for you. Surround yourself with those people. Not everyone you love will choose to be in your life after your child dies, it is because they are not mature enough to handle death and grief. Maybe one day they will be, but right now look to those who have stuck by your side and do not give those who left a second thought.

Read a letter to the friend who left me after my son died.

 2. You do not know what battle another person is facing.

Shortly after David died I had an encounter with a store clerk that almost drove me to tears. I was getting David’s photos developed and the woman behind the counter was probably the most hateful person I had ever encountered. I could have gotten angry. After all I had just lost my son for goodness sake, everything was making me cry those days. I was becoming angry at the drop of a hat.

Then I stopped.

 I realized I didn’t know anything about this woman. She could have been me. I did not know what was making her so angry, but I was 95% sure it had nothing to do with me. You never know what someone else is facing. Be kind. Even if it’s difficult.

3. You know someone who has lost a child.

Before David died I never gave child loss a second thought. Surely it was uncommon enough that I didn’t need to think about it, right?

I was wrong.

At David’s funeral we had several friends and family members come up and tell us “me too.” I lost a child too. These were people we had known most of our lives. We had no idea. You may think “well I do not know anyone who has lost a child.” You are wrong too. The statistics are 1 in 4 women. You know more than 4 women I’m sure. Maybe it is your best friend, maybe it is your mother, maybe it is your aunt. Someone in your life has lost a child. They may choose not to talk about it. That does not mean their pain is any less valid.

4. The death of a child is a taboo topic in our society.

“How many children do you have?” Is a common question, I get it. People will see me toting around two adorable blonde girls through the grocery store and they cannot help themselves. They are just too darn cute. Those curls! Those eyes! How many children do you have? Maybe there are more curly, blonde haired kiddos with bright eyes at home. Then I answer “I have two living children and one child who died.” They become a deer caught in the headlights. “Oh” some mutter, while others do not acknowledge what I say and walk away. Don’t talk about it I’m sure they are thinking. Why did she mention death and a child in the same sentence?

Online resources for grieving families.

Child loss is taboo in today’s society. As advanced as we are, as much as we want to embrace every aspect of life, there are just some things that are still off-limits. Child death is one of them. The child loss community has made great strides the last several years to kick that door open. We will continue to open up dialogue about child death because it is important that loss families have the ability to talk about their children and not feel shame.

 There is another world out there that you may not know exists. It is filled with women and men whose babies have died. Maybe you want to pretend child death doesn’t exist, it exists nonetheless.

Be kind.

Be gentle to those who are grieving.

Their world is just as important as yours.

Have a beautiful day!
Jenna Jury

Jenna Jury