Ways to Care For Yourself After Your Child’s Death

How Do You Care for Yourself After the Death of Your Child?

Have you or someone you love lost a child? Are you wondering how you are supposed to take care of yourself during this traumatic time?

The day of David’s funeral was cold and gloomy. Every funeral I have ever attended; the weather seems to be rainy or gloomy.

As though the heavens are grieving. I remember standing next to my son’s grave site. His casket was tiny. You could fit a doll baby inside of it and nothing bigger.

I watched two men lower my son’s white casket into the ground and thought “I am never going to get through this, they may as well put my body in the grave with his with his because this pain I feel will kill me.”

When I got home I sunk into bed and begged God to take my life.

I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to live anymore, not in a world where my baby was dead. When you go through a grief of this magnitude how do you survive? Suddenly it becomes near to impossible to take care of yourself. I didn’t want to get out of bed, let alone eat and shower. I was most content in letting myself waste away.

How did I survive it?

How do you take care of yourself after your baby dies?

1. Let other people take care of you for a while.

After David died I stayed with my mom while my husband was at work. I slept most of the time. The first couple of days and weeks after my son’s death were a blur. I do not remember how I functioned.

My body was in pain from my C-section.

My heart was broken.

I cried all the time.

My breast milk had come in, so on top of everything, I had to wean my body from wanting to produce breast milk for a baby who was not here anymore. I was pumping and dumping my breast milk every few hours.

The days were near to impossible to bear and at night I couldn’t sleep. If I eventually fell asleep I relived the night David died in my dreams.

I was able to get through the first several months the only way I knew how. I allowed other people to take care of me. My mom and dad helped Ben and I with the funeral preparations. I didn’t even try to attempt self-care until several weeks after losing David.

2. Take your time and allow yourself to grieve.

Grief is painful. It physically hurts to grieve someone you love. When you lose a child you are not only grieving their death, you are also grieving the future you had imagined and the chance for a complete family.

The picture you had in your mind of your family was forcibly changed. If you ignore your grief and do not allow yourself to feel it, the pain you feel will never ease.

The hurt will just increase.

Allowing yourself to grieve the pain of losing your child is an important form of self-care.

3. Pay attention to your triggers.

Triggers can last a lifetime.

It is important for your own self-care to be mindful of what your triggers are and when they occur. My triggers have changed several times throughout the years.

However, they mostly occur in December because that is when David’s birthday and death day occur. I am mindful of this sensitive time in my life, and try my best to be gentle with myself by limiting activities and commitments.

I surround myself with family during December and I even limit communication with friends and family who may be pregnant or have new babies. This may seem odd to you or even cruel. After all, they can’t help it if they are pregnant or have a baby.

I am happy for them, trust me, but I know my triggers.

In order to take care of myself I need to be mindful. I do what I need to do to make sure I am okay during my most sensitive times.

Maybe you are fresh in your grief.

I want you to know it is okay to take care of yourself during this time. Do what you need to do to be mindful of your triggers.

Are the pregnancy announcements on Facebook a painful reminder of what you lost? Hide those announcements.

Maybe the thought of attending your friends baby shower sends your stomach into knots. Don’t go.

Even if you are afraid of hurting their feelings, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Right now, caring for yourself is what is important. It is possible to be supportive and happy for your friend from a distance.

When your baby dies, you are thrust into a foreign world. There are no right ways to take care of yourself. But it is important to make sure you do!

You will have to learn to live life in a whole different way. This may seem difficult but it is possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Allow other people to take care of you. Give yourself time to grieve and remember self- care is an important step in your grief. Life may not look like you thought it would, but you more than survive this. You can live again.

Read shut your mouth. Should those affected by child loss keep their pain to themselves?

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Jenna Jury