Do you children constantly “disagree” or bicker?
This is not necessarily a bad thing, and what we do as parents when our children have sibling disagreements can help build a stronger bond. This post is the first of a series – A deeper look at the habits of immensely peaceful moms. If you haven’t yet read this post: 12 habits of immensely peaceful moms, then you can read it here.
I will be taking a deeper look into the 12 habits every day and exploring the benefits of each one. The first habit is letting your children work out their own disagreements with each other.
Why you should step back and not helicopter your children’s sibling disagreements.
I’m going to be honest with you. I have a hard time not stepping in sometimes when my children are arguing with each other. It would just be easier if you helped fix the problem right? After all, that’s what mommies are for.
Here’s the thing, you may not have the whole picture of what is going on in that moment. If you step in constantly when your children bicker, you are blocking them from developing important skills they need as they grow.
What skills are your children developing during sibling disagreements?
- Problem solving
- How to compromise safely
- Building a stronger bond with another person
As an adult, you problem solve on a daily basis. Your day to day does not involve only yourself. It consists of other people, right? People you need to converse with daily or weekly in your job, your home, your church, etc.
Since no one is exactly alike, and everyone thinks differently, you need to know how to problem solve with other people.
Your child needs this skill to help them in their adult world and as they grow. A disagreement with their sibling may be an annoyance to you, but it’s actually helping them.
Your child also needs to know how to reach a compromise with a person safely. When I say safely, I mean a compromise that does not put your child in any physical or mental harm. Disagreeing with a safe person, such as their brother or sister, helps your child develop those necessary skills to reach a compromise with other people.
Chances are you want your children to have a strong bond with one another, am I right? Being close to a sibling is a life long journey, it may not happen quickly. Your children need time to figure out their rhythm and bond, without mommy or daddy steering their relationship.
If you are constantly taking the reigns and guiding their relationship, it could completely backfire on you. I was reading an article the other day, and as always, I got sucked in by the comments. A comment really caught my attention. The poster described how in her childhood her younger sibling was constantly trying to get her and her older siblings in trouble. But this younger sibling was great at hiding the truth of what really happened from mommy.
So what do you think happened?
Mommy always believed the younger one, and the older siblings constantly got in trouble. They didn’t have a close relationship with their younger sibling when they were adults, barely tolerating each other.
Yikes. Constantly stepping in when you don’t know the whole story can cause an unintentional strain in your children’s relationships with each other. So when you don’t know everything that went on, take a step back and give your children the reigns to steer their own disagreements. If they stay mad at each other for a bit, that’s okay.
Why should you take a step back during sibling disagreements?
- You may not know the whole story.
- Again, you will help encourage closer bonds.
- Your children don’t always have to be happy or getting along.
The first one is a big one for me. You may not always know the whole story. The next time your child comes and tattles on their sibling, take a note of if you jump right in or step back. It’s easy to believe what your child is telling you, but what if their interpretation is not what really happened?
Your child will not always have your there to hold their hand and stick up for them. Yes, you should back your child, but it’s an important skill to learn how to stick up for yourself. And if your child is actually in the wrong? They need to learn about those consequences and how it affects a relationship too.
You probably want your children to be close, stepping back will help your children navigate their relationships. Maybe one day they will look back and laugh at their petty arguments instead of holding a grudge against one another.
I know this is hard to hear, but your child does not have to be happy all the time.
I struggle with this as well, it’s our nature to want our children to always be happy. But if you step in at every hiccup of a disagreement, you are not facilitating peace in the big picture. The peace you are facilitating is only on the surface and it will only last a few minutes.
The deeper family peace will come with effort and it may make the family annoyed sometimes. But the more your children are given chances to work out their disagreements together (problem solve) and come to an agreement together (compromise) the sooner you will start to see peace in their relationships and in turn, your home and family.
Now, I am not saying never step in.
There are times our children do need us to step in. If one of your children is hurting the other, then yes, absolutely. Quickly and immediately step in and navigate their disagreement. However, if your children are not experiencing physical harm, then try letting them work it out first.
It is better for your child to figure out problem solving and compromise with a safe person, their sibling, in the comfort of their home while they are young. Your children love each other, there’s nothing quite like the love of a sibling. Their disagreements will most likely not last very long.
Here are great tools you can use to help your children during sibling disagreements.
I use two signs in my home for when my children are disagreeing. The first one is “Are you tattling or are you telling?” I first saw this sign here, and it has really transformed our home.
I don’t want my children coming to tell me “so and so touched the remote”, or “so and so stuck their tongue out at me”, every few minutes. My time is valuable and precious. My children need to figure out how to deal with a person who sticks their tongue out at them. So, I ask this question. Are you tattling or are you telling? You can find the post and how to make the sign here!
The second sign I use is SWIM, this is not an original idea, however I have had trouble finding the article I first saw this. When I do (or if you know who originally came up with this idea, let me know!) I will link to it. This excellent strategy has helped my children navigate their arguments in a more peaceful way.
I have a sign hanging up in my home that says:
- S: SPEAK GENTLY
- W: WAIT FOR A RESPONSE
- I: IF THERE’S STILL A PROBLEM
- M: MOM AND DAD CAN HELP
My kids think it’s hilarious when I say to remember to SWIM. But it sticks with them because it’s easy and catchy!
What you need to remember about sibling disagreements.
No mom likes to see their children argue, it’s easy to think we can fix it for them and everyone will be happy. But we may be doing more harm to their relationship than the actual disagreement.
Take a step back, make sure everyone is safe, and give your children a chance to problem solve, compromise and build a stronger bond.
Related: 63 mom hacks that are pure genius.
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Be sure to read my top posts on parenting:
- Why Consistent Parenting Matters
- 12 Habits of Immensely Peaceful Moms
- 63 Mom Hacks That are Pure Genius
- Connect With Your Child and Build Up Their Heart
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Hi there, I’m Jenna! I am a devoted mommy and wife. As well as an advocate for children and creating a peaceful atmosphere for those we love. I co-wrote Faith Actually: Living Life After Tragedy with my husband. I have my Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Studies and currently working toward my Master’s in Positive Psychology. My number one desire is to create a peaceful home life for my family. My second desire is to share with you the tips I learn along the way!