Five Phrases Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

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Five Phrases Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

When a death happens, in our finite human nature we want to fix the grief felt by those we love.

This is especially true when a child death happens. Children dying, it’s unnatural. When my son passed away there were many well-meaning comments given to me that just rubbed me the wrong way. I know that most of these comments are meant for good. But I think that most grieving parents can come up with their own list of phrases not to say to a grieving parent.

There has to be some magic words to make it easier, right? Seeing someone we love in unbearable pain is difficult to say the least. If we aren’t saying something to make them better, are we really helping?

I have realized in my last 30 years; this is the way it is with every death. But the death of a baby may be one of the most misunderstood or overlooked type of deaths.

I have noticed in my own journey and the journey of many other grieving friends, when a person loses their baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or after the child is born, many of us feel rushed out of our grief. Our pain, our heartache, is often explained away and then after the explanations come the ignoring.

Why is this?

I cannot speak for everyone, but the death of a child is unnatural. Talking about dead babies make people uncomfortable. The natural order of life is you grow old and grey. Then after your grey hairs have set in and you have lived a long life, then you die.

The younger a person is when they die the harder their death is to swallow. No one wants to talk about a dead baby. The pain in a bereaved mother’s eyes when she talks about her dead baby is uncomfortable. No one wants to watch as a father becomes tearful at the sight of an outfit unworn or a sport unplayed.

The ignoring and avoiding is not done on purpose. Most of the time, the rushing and the unkind words are not on purpose or out of malice. The onlooker just doesn’t know what to say. They don’t know how to act around our grief. Our pain makes them uncomfortable. The sooner we realize this as a grieving parent, the easier it becomes for us to forgive those who have unintionally hurt us with their words.

 We need to remember, this is easier for the outsider. They do not have to live in our pain the way we do.

The pain is easier for the grieving family to learn to live with though. David would be seven. In these last seven years Ben and I have been asked several times what is something you should not say to a grieving parent?  Most people want to know how to help their grieving friend or family member.

Their hearts are broken for their loved one and they want their words and actions to be helpful not hurtful. In my grief journey there were certain phrases that I noticed are not helpful to a grieving family, but they are typically go –to phrases. Related: What I Wish People Knew About Losing My Son.

Below are the top phrases that were said to me after David died. They were phrases I could have gone without hearing, even though I knew the intent of the person saying these phrases was supposed to be helpful. Instead, it just ended up making me feel worse.

5 Phrases Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

At least you know you can get pregnant.

            I had this said to me several times immediately after David died This was painful because I didn’t want to just know I could get pregnant, I wanted his pregnancy. I wanted him. We wanted to bring David home to his freshly painted nursery and raise him. David was and always will be our first born child. Our desire was to watch him grow in to the man God created him to be. Knowing I could get pregnant meant absolutely nothing to me since it ended in me not getting to bring my son home.

You do not know what it took for the grieving mother to become pregnant. Maybe she had difficulty becoming pregnant or it is possible she had complications during her pregnancy. You do not know if she even wants to have another pregnancy. This grieving mother standing in front of you wanted her baby that died.

You can have more children.

            This goes right along with “at least you know you can get pregnant.” A common phrase uttered to women who have lost a child. In grappling for a way to comfort a grieving mother, you may say oh you will have another baby or soon God will give you a child. Many people said this to me. I understood they wanted to comfort me, to give me reassurance that one day we will have another baby. But I didn’t care. I knew the moment David died in my arms, our family would never be complete.

When you tell a grieving mother they can have more children you are unintentionally negating her baby’s life as valuable. This phrase makes the grieving family feel like their child is viewed as replaceable, unimportant. Their child is not replaceable. Their life is important. Again she doesn’t just want another baby. She wanted this baby.

You can always adopt.

            This phrase is often viewed as a helpful reminder to a family who is having difficulties growing their families. True, adoption is an option, for those who have discussed it and want it to be an option. Adoption may not be an option for this particular family. They may not want to adopt. Whether or not they do is a personal decision.

God wanted another angel.

            I’m not sure where this phrase started but I do not believe this is helpful to any grieving family. It is unintentionally saying “your grief is unimportant because this is just the way God wanted it.”

It was God’s will.

            This is another phrase that can be unhelpful. It may be up to debate whether the death of a baby is truly God’s will. However, telling a grieving family that God took their innocent baby, a baby that was wanted and loved is not helpful. Whether it is true or not I do not know. The grieving family could be angry at God right now. I know I was angry. Maybe they do not believe in God, regardless, this phrase could have the exact opposite effect of its intended purpose. The grieving family may just become angrier at a God who would take an innocent baby.

If you have a grieving family member or friend it can be difficult to know exactly what to say.

The truth is there are no words that will bring their child back, this is a painful truth. Without their child your loved one will be forever changed in one way or another. You may say the wrong thing, that is okay.  The best thing you can do for them is be there and love them.

What phrases not to say to a grieving parent would you add?

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