Why You Should Talk To Your Children About Hard Stuff
Do you often wonder when and if you should talk to children about the hard and scary stuff?
I started The Peaceful Nest because I have a desire to create a peaceful home for my family and for myself. It’s also because I want my children to look back and think wow my mom really was a peaceful mom.
I don’t want to merely survive motherhood. I want to enjoy it.
You cannot simply allow a peaceful home life to come to you. You must create and plan for it! Which is why I created a peaceful nest planner to help you plan your peaceful home today.
Why it’s important to talk to children about the hard stuff.
We all want to raise resilient and respectful children who understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Right? Children who can “adult.” (Is that a word?) But what is the difference between fantasy and reality?
Fantasy is believing everyone needs to agree with you or else they are evil.
Fantasy is believing words and actions have no consequences. And fantasy is not knowing the sometimes stark realization of reality and not being able to cope when it hits you. Fantasy is believing your first world problems are ACTUAL problems.
Reality is the opposite.
Reality is knowing not everyone is going to agree with you and still showing them respect. And Reality is knowing life will not always go your way and knowing how to cope.
Reality is knowing going without a dishwasher or dryer is not truly a problem or having to wait in a thirty minute line to eat that fancy dinner is not a real problem, it is an inconvenience sure. Problem? No. Not having clean water to drink or food to eat, now that is a real problem.
Where is the breakdown?
Why do so many now adults struggle with knowing the difference between fantasy and reality? I cannot speak for everyone but I do know in many cases it has do to with being sheltered as a child.
Read: 12 habits of immensely peaceful moms
Please hear me out. I am not talking about being protective.
I believe there is a huge difference between being protective of your child and sheltering your child. We need to protect our children. It is our job as parents to guard their childhood, innocence and their hearts. They only get one childhood. We should want our children to look back on their lives and childhood with fondness and good memories. They shouldn’t have to look back and feel heartbreak and pain.
My husband and I do our best to protect our children.
We have boundaries with other people, boundaries that we don’t feel bad about.
We have safety measures in place to protect our home, children and ourselves. Our children know it’s important to be kind to other people but if someone is making them feel uncomfortable it is 100% okay NOT to be kind if it means protecting themselves.
They know what to do if they are ever to get lost. They know what safe touch and bad touch is.
Their safety and protection is always on the forefront of my mind.
With that said, what do I mean then when I say don’t shelter my children? I mean I talk to children about the hard and scary stuff.
I mean we don’t shelter them from the realities of this world.
You can tell the difference between a person who understand the realities of the world and a person who doesn’t have a strong grasp of reality. This is when you start having adults, people over the age of 18, who cannot handle reality because they were never prepared for it.
That is why we don’t shelter our children.
No, I don’t allow them to watch everything under the sun and listen to inappropriate music. That is not what I am talking about either. We protect our children from inappropriate situations, including movies that have hidden messages or adult programs.
I repeat, we don’t shelter them from the realities of this world.
What I mean when I say that we don’t shelter them from the realities of this world is, we talk to them about certain realities such as death, sickness, different world views, and dangerous people.
My oldest daughter has been to 4 funerals in her short life so far. We have explained to her in terms that a child can understand, what it going on. What is death? What happens after death? Why do people die? What is a funeral?
Our children ask hard questions and we don’t shy away from answering them in terms that a child can understand. We go and visit their brother’s grave site often, with them. And they know about sickness, death and heartache. They know that sometimes life just isn’t fair.
They also know you can still enjoy your life, love it and love people. Because we show them by our actions and also with how we talk to them.
Our children know that not everyone is going to agree with you and they have seen healthy disagreements take place among family and friends. Never do the disagreements get physical nor do they result in name calling and purposefully hurting one another.
That is why I call it a healthy disagreement.
Because after the disagreement we agree to disagree and leave it at that. We don’t allow the disagreement to come between what is more important. Relationships and loving other people.
Our children know that not everyone is a safe person.
They know that not everyone is as blessed as we are, that there are children who don’t have warm beds and food in their belly.
But they are only children, you may think.
Don’t they have time to learn the harsh realities of life? No. before we know it life will come out of no where and hit us with realities, whether we like it our not, our children too.
Don’t shelter them. Don’t try to keep them from feeling hurt and disappointment when someone doesn’t agree with them or when they lose a game, feel left out etc.
Yes, it’s normal to want to protect our children from this sort of pain, but don’t. Don’t keep realities from them, do not miss a chance to instill compassion and gratefulness in them or show them that not everyone agrees but we still should treat everyone with respect. Teach your children that they may not always get what they want but if they work hard they can build a life they love.
When you do shelter your children from realities, you may find yourself in a situation with your children, not prepared for what to do.
Have you ever seen the show The Walking Dead? There is an episode in a later season where Jessie had to walk out with Rick, Carl, and her young son Ron, into a horde of walkers. Jessie failed to prepare Ron for the realities of the world they were living in. Instead of explaining how to react to the walkers, what the walkers will do to them, she tells him to close his eyes. Yes, she was trying to protect him but her plan backfired.
What happened when Ron opened his eyes? He froze, he screamed, and he got him and his mother killed.
I know this is extremely sobering and a little extreme example. I know we don’t live in a world with zombies. But all I could think in that moment was, Jessie you failed Ron by not preparing him.
We can’t fail our kids. Let’s prepare them for the realities of life. The good realities, the bad realities, and the scary realities.
Have that talk with your child about safe people, what would you do if you come across a bad person with horrible intentions?
Talk to them about who to talk to if they ever get lost and how safe adults never ask children for help, to be aware at all times. Talk to them about death and sadness and sickness. Don’t hide realities from them if your family has to face those realities. Your children can handle more than you think they can.
Talk to your children and prepare them with age appropriate words and scenarios, in a manner they can handle.
Don’t you want to raise resilient children? I know I do. You do not know what life is going to throw at you. If we shelter our children from realities of the world, then we have failed to raise decent and contributing members of society, children who grow up into adults who know how to have relationships with those they don’t agree with. Adults who know how to treat other people with respect, despite their views.
Isn’t that what we all want?
How do you talk to your children about the hard and scary stuff?
Read: My Children Are a Blessing Not A Burden.
Do you have a tip to share on becoming a peaceful mom? I would love to hear it! Share your best tips below and I will share them with my readers.
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Be sure to read my top posts on parenting:
- Why Consistent Parenting Matters
- 12 Habits of Immensely Peaceful Moms
- 63 Mom Hacks That are Pure Genius
- Connect With Your Child and Build Up Their Heart
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